WHY SOMEONE BEING A STAY-AT-HOME MOM MAKES YOU SO UNCOMFORTABLE

Have you ever asked someone what they do in life and didn’t know what to say back after they answered? Did you know that being a stay-at-home mom is a good answer to throw most people off, especially academics. I was sitting today, having a nice conversation with six other people whom I barely knew beforehand. We all speak the same language and had sought each other up via social media to have a drink and a talk just because. At one point the conversation someone asked the obvious, “so, what do you do?” and stared at me. “I’m a mom of three, married, and that’s basically what I do.” I answered. The whole table grew silent, people stared at me and the table uncomfortably, until I stared at the next person so she could tell everyone what she does and everyone would have something to talk about again.

By all means I wasn’t the only mom on the table. There were two other moms, one stay-at-home like myself and one working mom, both awesome people and both academics. I was the only one who said “being a mom” was what I did. And it is a big part of what I do, so big that I don’t always have as much time for myself as I’d like to, but it’s also what I love to do, for now, for my kids. So why does this answer make people grow silent? Why are there never any follow-up questions, but always people looking to find a way out of the topic?

If I were to unravel the reasons, I’d say perhaps people don’t know how to label you correctly, because perhaps they are used to labeling people into different categories of the working force (and somehow moms don’t count). Or perhaps parenting is so out of their own world that they simply don’t know how to react. Maybe they are having hard time answering to themselves if it is nice someone’s a stay-at-home mom or is it perhaps a bit sad these days when kids are supposed to be put in daycare starting from 3 months.

I sometimes get the vibe that being at home with your kids is considered slacking off or sad. Well, I have two words for you: try it. In case you don’t have kids of your own, ask one of your relatives or friends and simply offer your help with the kids for a week. I’m sure you’d have no hard time finding someone needing an extra pair of hands with their kids and I’m sure you’d have a revelation and within a week you’ll have changed your idea about slacking off. Being a full-time parent does not only make you work hard physically, but it’s an extreme amount of mental tasks as well: you need to explain things like why they need to wear pants to go outside, why it’s important to wash their hands, why you shouldn’t sit on top of your brother’s backpack mushing his fruit snack, where is north and why is it always a place you can instantly go to, but never get there (unless willing to travel to the magnetic north pole, which I still haven’t offered as an option). You need to explain over and over again how they can tie up their shoe laces, until one magical day 1,5 years later they finally get it. You have to have skills in persuading them to get dressed early enough so they won’t be late from school, skills to convince them to eat (sometimes simply just to eat, not even to eat a specific part of the meal). When the kids fight, you need to have mad skillz to understand the situation from the child’s point of view and work the situation from there. It feels important to be there when they scratch their elbow, when they paint a monster truck windshield for the first time, when they finish their project, when they want to give up with their project, when they cry about their hobby, when you help them make a decision about something, when they need a mom’s hug, when they want to help you cook, when they want to sit on your lap just when you poured yourself a cup of coffee. You need to know when a good night sleep is enough for your feverish child and you need to know when you need to go see the doctor. You are there to make sure they understand the things that are happening in their life and why they are happening. Why are the finished with daycare and moving to pre-school. You need to know to answer these questions when they don’t even ask them. This is definitely a part of everyday parenting and doesn’t exclude working parents out there, but obviously being at home for them I tackle these on a more frequent phase.

I this sad? I guess that really depends on a person, but it’s definitely trendy to consider being home with the kids depressive or sad. Because staying with the children doesn’t regenerate wealth and it doesn’t expand on personal (career) goals – unless of course you are writing a children’s book or something directly related to the little munchkins. If you say you love to be a stay-at-home parent and do things with your kids, you are easily considered a parent desperately trying to live through her/his children.

I have struggled a lot to find my own path in life and by all means is my struggle not over. Ever since I was 19, I knew I wanted to be two things in life: I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to write. I became a mother to a lovely girl when I was a month short of turning 23, so I have always been a young mother in the eyes of our modern society, despite the fact that the best biological age to have children is between the 20 and 30 years of age. While the average age to have a first child in the western world is around 29, me being 30 and already a mom of three kids (8, 4 and 2,5) is an anomaly. But for us it works and this in itself should be a delight for anyone hearing this answer.

I talked to my husband about this when I got back home. He, being a well educated man, was the perfect person to talk about this with. “You are a bunch of great things!” he said, and told me to concentrate on those. So for a moment I did. “Alright, let’s see. I’m a mom who speaks four languages, has studied around 10 languages in my life. I am passionate about learning new things and I don’t shy away from a conversation about quantum physics, philosophy, nano-technology or the meaning of life. I’m naturally very creative. I cook and I bake and I take joy in it. I volunteer at an international group of mothers whose primary objective is to make sure mothers find each other when they find themselves alone in a foreign country. If you were to Google my name, you’d find my name in four newspapers. I often don’t understand things, but I ask. I make mistakes and I do my best in being the best mother for our children that I can possibly be.” There you have it.

Here I have failed to educate about the function of a pillow.